By Erica Sonnabend
Here I am stepping fully into the Fall season. The weather outside my door has turned to that familiar chill, the leaves have begun their transition to brightness and the moon is revealing more of itself with each night. The cozy feel of warmer clothes comfort me as I start preparing my family and my home for the change of season.
While the promise of a new season can be exciting, the change from one season to the next can also signal a time of reflection and anticipation. If you’re missing a loved one or coping with emotional outcomes due to impactful changes in your life, you may also encounter feelings of grief as we move from one season to the next.
Where I live, Autumn is the season that transitions us from the warm summer to the cold winter. Although I’m not a fan of ice and snow, I started experiencing overwhelming feelings of dread when fall arrived the year after my divorce. I couldn’t figure out why I felt so unsettled. I’d always liked the fall as a kid and looked forward to it when it was time to go back to college after a great summer. Something changed for me around 2004 and I began going through the motions of life from September through November. I didn’t realize it then, but I was doing my best to avoid how I felt. I couldn’t determine the root of my feelings because I never allowed them to fully emerge.
It wasn’t until ten years later that I discovered, through grief work, that my dread was connected to my unresolved emotions surrounding my divorce. It was so surprising to me that the fear, disappointment and feelings of failure and abandonment I was carrying all this time was actually considered grief. (It definitely is!) Equally surprising was that this emotional pain, that I barely shared with anyone, was intruding on my life years after my divorce was final. I understood that divorce meant I was no longer married, but what I didn’t anticipate was how alone that would make me feel.
As the calendar progressed into October, the thought of being in the house by myself with my very young daughter during the darker, colder and stormier months ahead filled me with panic and anxiety. I didn’t care about pumpkin picking or decorating for Halloween like I used to. The upcoming holidays were going to be an overwhelming puzzle of “what to do” and “where to go” as a divorced woman. I kept re-sorting the pieces of my now vacant life and nothing seemed to fit in a way that brought me peace. Eventually, the start of the fall season triggered my grief year after year. I felt numb inside.
Thankfully, connecting to my true feelings helped me immensely - more than I ever thought possible. What an enormous relief. Taking steps to acknowledge and understand my grief allowed me to release my feelings of insecurity that were blocking me from being present in my life. I discovered that I needed to grieve the intangible losses that came after my divorce - like my loss of safety, traditions, routine and my role in my ex-husband’s family. Honestly, I thought that my other relationships were completely fine, but opening myself up to healing enhanced my relationship with my daughter, my mother and my friends.
The following year, I decided to do something I hadn’t ever done when October came. I created space in my life for any feelings of dread or anticipation that might come. I made time for myself daily to do something that connected me to my heart instead of my head. I opened my heart by looking at old photos, telling family stories to my daughter and listening to music that moves my soul. I allowed myself to cry (really cry) when I needed to and I talked about my emotions whenever they came up (cheers to my friends and grief specialist). What a difference a year made - but this time for the better.
Unexpressed grief is powerful. As we continue into the fall season and prepare for what the winter months may bring, I encourage you to also prepare yourself by creating your own compassionate space. Take a moment during your busy days to stop, watch the leaves fall, breathe deeply and connect to what’s in your heart. Being present with your grief will guide you toward your healing.
Wishing you a peaceful autumn, friends.
Erica Sonnabend is a Grief Recovery Specialist from Cape Cod, Massachusetts. Certified by the Grief Recovery Institute, Erica helps others to connect to their unresolved grief and the unexpressed emotions surrounding deep personal loss. Through one-on-one support or group sessions utilizing the Grief Recovery Method, Erica creates a comforting and compassionate space for healing to occur. You can reach Erica through the contact page on her website Sonnabend Grief Support.