By Michelle Schroeder-Lowrey
It is something we often talk about in a longing way…
“I wish we just had time to slow down and be together.” Or “We are never all home at the same time!” And now, for the past couple of months (depending on where you live), EVERYONE is home ALL THE TIME. Only, this isn’t the “slowing down” we were talking about, right? So, what do we do now that we are all home- TOGETHER- in new, uncertain, unplanned for circumstances with so many questions, feelings, and fears running around in our heads and hearts?
In Positive Psychology we talk a lot about the parts of our life we can “control.” It’s a short list really – I can control: what I feel, what I think, and what I do. That’s it. That is the list.
Some research suggests that up to 40% of our overall happiness is controllable by what we feel, think, and do. Keep in mind that it’s not what happens to us that affects our thoughts, feelings, and actions – it’s how we interpret what’s happening. Our brains are wired to go negative. It’s how our species has survived thousands of years. Negativity bias keeps us questioning, it’s our “spidey sense” that reminds us that maybe walking into that dark, tiger infested forest or eating those red berries isn’t the best idea.
In our modern world, there are fewer tigers and many apps that help us understand the dangers of our world – but our brains still want to protect us. So, re-framing our natural tendency towards pessimistic thinking to an optimistic thinking style lays a foundation for positive problem solving and soothing those fears that seem to be constantly with us these days. Instead of saying: “We are all stuck at home forever and I’m never prepared for situations like this. I will never get any work done.” Try this on: “This is a tough, temporary situation. I’ve survived 100% of the stay at home, unexpected sick days in my life. I can handle this.”
The first statement feels very true in the moment, but the second statement is also true. Which statement feels more empowering and soothing when you say it to yourself? You can do this with any of the thoughts and fears that hide in the deep corners of your heart and mind.
Giving ourselves and others “permission to be human” is what positive psychology is all about. This may sound silly, but under extreme circumstances many of us immediately put on our capes and fly around attempting to leap tall buildings (or teen angst) in a single bound – and the reality is: we are human not superheroes. What does it mean to be human?
Humans have feelings.
Humans make mistakes.
Humans lose their patience.
Humans cry.
Humans need rest.
Humans need exercise and good food.
Humans embody all of these characteristics and denying them doesn’t make them go away. So, let’s start here with a pause of compassion: I give myself permission to be human. AND I give my child, partner, loved ones and others in my world the same permission. By granting ourselves this permission we are able to generate compassion for others and for ourselves. And boy howdy, do we need some compassion for ourselves and others right now. The others include our partners, children and loved ones, as well as grocery store clerks, postal workers and healthcare providers -- really anyone with whom you come in contact with in person or virtually. Patience with ourselves and others will go a long way right now.