by Racheli Miller, PhD
"ALLIES: NOW IS THE TIME TO BE IN THE SERVICE OF BLACK LIBERATION. LIMIT YOUR RESPONSE TO WHAT IS OF REAL, TANGIBLE HELP TO US. GIVE MONEY, CALL YOUR REPS, PROTECT BLACK PEOPLE AT PROTESTS, ELEVATE OUR WORK AND VOICES. DON'T MAKE US SWIM THROUGH YOUR TEARS WHILE WE FIGHT." ~IJEOMA OLUO
I’m a White millennial female psychologist working in New York City. In the wake of the modern-day lynching of Ahmaud Arbery and the police’s public execution of George Floyd and senseless murdering of Breonna Taylor and many other Black Americans, I've noticed something about how my White clients and I are struggling with how to take antiracist action and how to confront our complicity with racism. I’ve noticed that even very well-intentioned. White people who are dedicated to fighting racial injustice can get caught up in wrestling with their shame, rather than focusing on taking meaningful action. I want to talk about why our shame isn’t helping anyone.
As I put this out in the world, I feel anxious. I do not want to crowd the space that needs to be open for Black voices. I want to acknowledge that I may make mistakes here that I will regret in the future. My intention is to be open and learn. I'm mentioning my internal process here because it is my attempt to not let shame keep me from doing my best to contribute to change. I hope that by writing about the psychology of shame and guilt, I might be helpful to other White allies, as we aim to shift from shame reactivity and shut down to effective antiracist work.
SHAME VS. GUILT
According to Brené Brown, “shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.” Guilt can be an adaptive emotion. It allows us to notice when our actions have caused harm and can motivate us to make repairs. However, many of us have not developed the capacity to feel guilt about our actions without our experience transforming into shame about who we are. Shame can lead to hiding, denying, and intense self-criticism and attack.
So why doesn’t shame help? Shouldn’t we feel ashamed? A reasonable person would feel shame for complicity in a centuries-old system of oppression, violence toward Black people, and racial injustice. It also makes sense that since Black people in America have been abused and exploited by a racist system for centuries, many people might feel that White people should feel shame. And while all of this makes sense, unfortunately, shame doesn't motivate humans to do better.
WHY IS SHAME A PROBLEM?
The biggest problem with our shame is how we as humans respond to it. When confronting our wrongdoings leads to feelings of worthlessness and even self-hate, we will often do just about anything to run from facing our actions. So we will use two big strategies to help us escape shame: distraction and avoidance. With distraction and avoidance in play, we never need to take authentic inventory of our actions and beliefs in the first place. This is how they play out in typical interactions and situations: If our racism is brought to our attention either through our own noticing or that of others, we will continue to deny it or push it away with excuses and justifications or even anger. We may also try engaging in actions that may look antiracist, but are aimed at helping us avoid looking at our missteps. How often are our social media posts aimed at making us feel like good allies, rather than at having true positive impact on the lives of Black people? Or, we may avoid speaking up or acting because we are afraid of what others’ criticisms will make us feel about ourselves.
The denial and mental Olympics that we need to engage in to outrun our shame is unquestionably harmful. Even if we are able to run from our shame temporarily, it will always catch up with us because it lives within us. At some point, we will hopefully come to the realization that ignoring, staying quiet, or engaging in performative ally-ship cannot truly shield us from our shame.
At this point, we may start the process of really examining our racism and working toward positive change. However, this process can be easily thwarted by our reaction to our shame. We know this is happening when we find ourselves glued to social media, not able to function. We are overwhelmed by our sorrow to the point that we can no longer examine our particular actions and work toward compassionate correction. We see each of our misdeeds as confirmation of our flawed nature, powerlessness, and hopelessness. We may still want to act, but are too consumed with our own sorrow to figure out how.
There are many reasons we may fall prey to such a shame-based state. Our minds do not understand that time moves forward and that we can only affect the present and future, not change the past. Our brains believe we are “literally” in the past again when we are thinking about it. Therefore, ruminating on our past misdeeds seems like a way to erase or undo our past crimes. On a subconscious level, our minds may think our penance is contingent on our suffering. Only if we feel bad enough will we be forgiven and will our shame dissipate. We are letting our shame devour us because we believe that this is the only way to be free of it. Unfortunately, there is no restitution in self-indulgent self-flagellation. When we are busy attacking ourselves, we cannot fight for racial justice. When we are trying to avoid or get rid of the emotions that arise from seeing our misdeeds, we are disconnected from our capacity to take meaningful action. We cannot practice antiracism until we learn to not collapse into shame. Our shame isn’t helping anyone-- not ourselves, and certainly not Black people in the US.
SHAME IS THE PROBLEM. WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?
How can we strengthen our capacity to realize that we have done wrong without torpedoing into shame? The work of Black activists and thought leaders on antiracism provide us with the key for that mindset shift. Ibram X. Kendi discusses that from an antiracist perspective, “we should not be saying this is who a person is....we should be saying this is what a person is doing in the moment.” We can perceive an action we have done or an assumption that we hold as racist without perceiving ourselves as racist. We can think of our racist thoughts as not our own creation, but the product of being raised in a society where we are inundated with White supremacist messaging. This outlook breeds compassion and allows us to shift from self-focused shame and attack to an authentic examination of our racism without defense. In the absence of shame, we can reckon with how our complicity has contributed to racial inequality and brutal violence against black bodies and feel the heartbreak and remorse that ensues with this realization. We can use our guilt to fuel our commitment to action and propel us toward active work on repair, aligning with our chosen anti-racist values. This perspective gives us a way forward. As Ijeoma Oluo writes, "The beauty of anti-racism is that you don't have to pretend to be free of racism to be an anti-racist. Anti-racism is the commitment to fight racism wherever you find it, including in yourself. This empowers us to take action in uprooting it.” If we want to confront our own racism, we need to learn to identify racism as the enemy instead of ourselves. Otherwise, our shame will surely get in the way.
WHAT CAN WE DO WHEN WE ARE EXPERIENCING SHAME?
What can we do in the moments when we are already experiencing shame? How can we continue to act effectively? Here, I find the skills that I’ve learned from contextual behavioral therapies (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Compassion Focused Therapy) to be helpful.
Examine the Function of Behavior
I try to get very clear on the function of my behavior when my energy is directed toward shame. Am I enacting meaningful change in the world or am I sitting in my apartment, lost in thought? I try to examine the results of my behavior with honesty and without judgment.
Move Toward Values
I then try to connect back to my values. If I slow down and ask myself what is the thing that I am feeling shame about, the answer is always something I care deeply about. I am feeling these difficult emotions because I care about antiracism. From this shift in perspective I can ask myself what is a true meaningful action I can take toward that value in this moment?
When I am connected to my values, I can be more allowing and compassionate toward myself and my experiences of shame because I remember it does not serve me to get caught in the struggle with it. With gentleness, I can carry my pain with me, as I continue to move my feet toward what’s important. #BlackLivesMatter